While this might not seem encouraging, the truth in it is a large part of why I feel like I didn't fully lose myself to my abusive and failed marriage. Because I did show up. I was in it to win it, as they say. Like I've said before, I meant it when I said I do. I meant forever. And that's the lens that I saw our struggles through. IT SUCKED. For sure - no doubts about that. But this was forever so eventually we would figure it out, right? Just gotta keep forgiving and keep loving him and keep trying to make things better. I hope most people agree that this is a good attitude to have in marriage - one of devotion and commitment to uphold the covenant.
However, this does not in itself guarantee success. Obviously one party can choose not to abide by the terms of the covenant. And long story short this is why our marriage failed. But does it mean I failed? It sure felt like it. Yet when I look at it in terms of Brene's words, I don't think I did. I stayed true to my values, I was all in. I did everything I could to save that marriage. (My stubborn self took a while to believe this, though everyone around me told me again and again that I was doing everything I could. I just felt like if that was true, then change would happen. And it didn't.)
So while I have to live as a divorced 28-year old, I am one who was all in. I tried, I suffered, I gave myself to that marriage. And honestly, I almost lost myself to it. I was so committed to saving our marriage that at one point I told the girls in my small group that I was willing to go down with him and his addictions - I couldn't watch him drown himself, and I didn't know if I was strong enough to walk away and save myself while he stayed trapped in the sin and brokenness.
But I did. I started to rise strong. I drew boundaries necessary for my survival. I asked for help from those around me - mentor, counselor, small group, family, pastor. I moved out because I literally could not live that way anymore. And I begged him to change. I gave him every chance. And he chose not to.
These realities are tough. They just are. You can do everything right and still fail. Ugh. Don't sign me up for that! But it's also SO comforting to me, an actively recovering perfectionist, because as much as I want to be in control, it's relieving to know that it's not necessarily my fault if I fail.
"For most of us who rely on blaming...the need for control is so strong that we'd rather have something be our fault than succumb to the bumper-sticker wisdom of "shit happens." If stuff just happens, how do I control that?" -Brene Brown
Well, hopefully it's clear by now that you can't. Which is hard to wrestle with. God created a world full of sinful humans who have free will. They get to do whatever they want, essentially. Sometimes those actions are beautiful, wholesome, encouraging, loving, and kind. But they are also hurtful, shameful, degrading, and just plain mean. So how can I control anything, really? Even if I do my damnedest to be kind, to effect change, and to do right unto others there is a possibility of failure. Not because God doesn't care, or because I did anything wrong, but because free will is out there and sin is running amuck.
This post feels like a roller-coaster.
1. You can do everything right and still fail.
2. Great! It's not my fault it failed - freedom!
3. Crap, even if I try as hard as I can I might still fail.
Well here's the encouraging wrap-up. Remember my last post about guarantees? Yeah, there aren't many in life. And there certainly aren't any about succeeding just because you tried hard. But failure isn't the end. We can learn from it, we can rise up and be braver because of it. We can share our stories of failure and encourage others in their struggles. And if we stay true to ourselves, show up, and live out our values, I believe that God honors that.
I was told by my sweet mentor many times during this process that God honors obedience. So if I could just do my best (imperfect as I am) to obey Him, to search His word for guidance and wisdom, and listen to His Spirit's nudging on my heart, then I would be ok. He would honor my efforts to obey Him. That doesn't mean success or lack of failure - it means so much more. It means that at the end of the day, I am right with God. My heart is in His hands, and there it is well cared for.
Psalm 94:1
"He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge. His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."
This is what matters most in life. With our hearts in God's hands they are safe. They are wholly loved and cherished. In the darkest moments of life, when the realities of pain and sin and failure are too much to bear, He is there. I cannot describe the comfort that is. It's not an intellectual comfort like "Oh cool, God's got me. Guess it's all just gonna be fine." HA. If you can feel that way in the depths of your brokenness then I guess props to you. But when I'm there in the dark...I need something bigger than myself. Bigger than "comforting" words about it not being my fault or learning from this experience or anything...I need a supernatural God to literally cover me with His feathers. Most nights that was the only way I could stop sobbing. I called out to Jesus and He came. Simple as that. I didn't have eloquent words or scripture coming to mind in that moment...I simply called out to Him in desperation "Jesus! Come." And He did. He showed up. And it didn't fix everything, it didn't make my husband decide to stop abusing me, it didn't reveal a super easy way out from all of the mess. But it calmed my heart in that moment. It gave me peace beyond what the world can give. And it's how I survived to get up the next day and try again.
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