This post is about Donald Trump, but not really. It's about something much more important. Emotional abuse. A friend posted an article on facebook a few weeks back about the emotionally abusive tactics Trump used in the first debate and I found it to be absolutely on point.
To clarify - just because Trump used emotionally abusive tactics during the debate does not necessarily make him or anyone else who has done some of these things an abuser. Emotional abuse is enacted over time. As defined by Kali Munro, a psychotherapist:
"Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults...Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents - whether intentional or not - that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, and/or controls another person."
Much of what I hope to do moving forward involves helping educate people about emotional and verbal abuse. It's not about one time where someone got out of control and said things they didn't mean. For me it was an almost daily occurrence of him putting me down, blame-shifting, denying, lying, controlling, etc.
I am going to discuss some of the tactics mentioned in the article by Elana Sztokman, which you can (and should) read here: http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/09/trump-emotional-abuse-tactics/.
1. Lying
Seems pretty obvious. What's unique with an abuser is that they unapologetically lie - all the time. So much so that it actually catches you off guard. As Sztokman says "It's extremely difficult to have a normal conversation with someone for whom facts and truth are irrelevant. This is one of the first and most disarming tactics of an emotional abuser. It's the twisting of facts and thus the elimination of basic rules of fair discourse."
This works well for Trump in a debate, so that at the end of it there has been no real discussion - no back and forth. How can you discuss something with someone who just lies point blank?
As I experienced it, this "elimination of basic rules of discourse" was one of the most frustrating aspects of abuse. To not be able to have a productive conversation about anything is very discouraging, to say the least.
2. Denial
Sztokman says that "denial, like lying, changes the rules of fair discourse. It makes it very difficult for the abuser to be held accountable for their words when they say whatever they want and then refuse to continue to engage about it."
It's not just that someone occasionally denies doing or saying something because it puts them in an unfavorable light, it's repeatedly denying obvious facts to the extent that they often actually convince themselves that their lie is true. This causes arguments to spiral very quickly into the classic "yes you did" " no I didn't" vacuum. If they continue to refute your claims of truth, it's only so long before you: A. Get tired and give up or give in or B. Are eventually confused about just what the truth is. They seem SO sure of their side - was I the one confused about what had or had not happened?
3. Blame-shifting
So far the abuser is boldly lying to your face, denying what they did or said, and now watch out cause they are going to blame you for all of it. For example Trump blames Hillary or the media for twisting his words. It's not that he was lying, it's just that they mis-interpreted, or they were "not nice" to him.
In a relationship one could be blamed for arguing (aka trying to get back to the truth), for being rude (perhaps accusing them of the lying they just did), for causing the problem in the first place (trying to address an issue in the relationship), and for being the one who clearly didn't want to solve the issue (wasn't willing to believe their lies or denial).
From the article: "It also has the effect of making the person it's wielded against feel defensive and angry, desperate to clear their name and get back to the truth."
4. Moving the goal posts
Classic politician move, yes, but when used over and over again in a relationship it can be abusive. "the manipulator, in order to avoid having to answer for an issue, will redefine the goals of the exchange. It aims to 'humiliate the victim, to keep them preoccupied so as to accomplish nothing else with their time, or to simply wear them out.'" This works in a debate, in a press conference, and in a marriage. Waste their time, keep focusing on some small irrelevant detail, and eventually the fight will be over with them never having to address your concerns, hurts, or questions.
5. Projecting
This can be on a small or very large scale. The manipulator "accuses the victim of doing exactly what he is being accused of."
For example with Trump, "he has created an entire campaign around the idea that Clinton is the most dishonest politician in history, despite the fact that he is actually the most dishonest man in American politics today." Tricky, isn't it? Maybe from the outside it seems like this should be obvious when it's happening. But when it's subtle, it can be so confusing.
In a relationship this could look like the manipulator accusing the victim of not being a good wife/husband/etc when really they are the one not showing care for their significant other.
**Basically, the point is for the manipulator to make the victim feel like they are to blame, they don't have a solid argument to stand on, and they should probably just give up now. Psychologists have a term for this and it's "crazy making." I don't think there is a better way to describe it than that. Once you are made to feel like the crazy one, you've been convinced it's your job to work on things and do better next time. And that's why you stay. Or at least one of the many reasons.
Please feel free to reach out if you have questions about this. I'm happy to answer anything (and of course there are also TONS of awesome resources online to learn more about this). I'm praying God will use the pain I went through to help others understand what they may have experienced, or may still be experiencing, and lead them to freedom as He did for me.
