How can I honestly be expected to live in this kind of tension?
My heart is so torn, my emotions so fragile.
Living in a new place, the people became so dear to me. Like family, bonded in a love that to me feels different than much of what I have felt here. Companions, brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers. It was all so different, so new to me - so unique. Something that I will never experience again, but will hold on to for forever.
Not so for them, my dear family. They hosted students before me, and will host many after me. Some they will connect with better, interact with more, love more?? The thought rips at my heart. What about what we had? Do you miss me? Do you remember me? Do I have any right to hope you do and claim you as mine?
Such selfish thoughts...they would not be happy. They value community, everyone a part of the family - how rude of me to ask anything else of them.
Apparently I didn't learn much.
Yet they also forgive, more graciously than most. So I ask, can you forgive me, my dear family? I'm sorry. I don't know how to be strong in this, how to let this happen, how to let you move on. But I will try, maybe pray if I can figure that out again. I just ask for mercy, for love - please can you keep loving me too? I know you will...how can I even ask? Know that you have my love and my heart forever. Nkwagala nyo.
The memories, the laughter, it all feels so real and so true...but so far away. So. Far. Away. So far gone, so far lost. But I know it is not gone, it is not lost. As evidenced by the tears streaming down my face, those people, their stories, and the memories remain very close to my heart - in my heart.
Hearing Dan Nelson talk about Rwanda in chapel last week was amazing. (Ask me if you want to hear his story) His connection with those Rwandese is beautiful. But talking about the genocide and seeing the pictures of the skulls lined up...my heart breaks once again. It's like my head, my brain shuts off and my heart takes over and just screams...It hurts! It hurts! It's so real. It's so real. It's so much more that just pictures, or just a story. It's mothers and fathers and sons and daughters, neighbors, and church members. It's Charles. (Please ask about his story as well, I would be honored to share it) The love and reconciliation is amazing and its so good and so necessary to remember and recognize. But the evil, the pain, the death, the betrayal is all still reality. It still happened.
And I don't want to hold on to that more than they do...but how? How do I recognize that and not make light of it...but live in the home and promise (?) of reconciliation that is going on there? How do I "live in" anything there while living here? How do I see that in chapel and then go work on a lab report? Really? Really.
One step at a time. That's the only way I can do anything right now. One little step at a time.
