Hiding in Bed

Tucked safely under the weight of my covers
Warm beneath the chilling ocean breeze
That blows through the room
I hear the waves crashing
I feel their mist on my face.
Snuggled up in my pillows -
There is comfort here,
There is assurance.

This is a time when I escape
I leave the worries of the world
And sleep washes over me.
Never long enough -
But refreshing and true.

I am hidden from the stones
As they fall around me
One after the other.
Nothing can touch me here
No new worry
No heart-wrenching news.

But my memories are here
They stay with me.
They welcome me into themselves
To lay, to sleep, to remember.
To cry, to mourn, to yearn
For a place so far away,
People I hold so dear.

They are safe here with me
Tucked in bed, hiding
From a world so big and scary
So evil, so broken.

I cannot get myself up,
Can't bear to leave this -
My little sanctuary.

Because out there its different
I must be OK and happy,
Pretend like all is well.

I cannot mourn as I wish,
I cannot be in Uganda -
For it is here that I live.

Here in this place
So fast, so rich, so arrogant.
I fight bitterness
As it rages inside.

How can we think this is best?
How can we live without rest?

Where is the love, the community, the selflessness?

I feel lost here.
Out of place -
But not wanting to fit in.

Tension, tension, tension.

What am I supposed to do with it?
How do I respond?
Its scary to ask -
But even as I do
And I come up with answers,
They are never enough.

Not enough to get me up from bed -
Not enough to make everything all right –

Not enough to put out this fire –

Not enough…yet…it has to be enough.

It has to be enough to keep on pushing,

Enough to see hope of change,

Enough to persevere when others give up.

Lying here in bed,

Overwhelmed by this state I find myself in.

I know I have hope, dreams, wishes, passions,

That get buried beneath the pain

And I just have to let them be enough.

Living in Tension...

How can I honestly be expected to live in this kind of tension?

My heart is so torn, my emotions so fragile.

Living in a new place, the people became so dear to me. Like family, bonded in a love that to me feels different than much of what I have felt here. Companions, brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers. It was all so different, so new to me - so unique. Something that I will never experience again, but will hold on to for forever.

Not so for them, my dear family. They hosted students before me, and will host many after me. Some they will connect with better, interact with more, love more?? The thought rips at my heart. What about what we had? Do you miss me? Do you remember me? Do I have any right to hope you do and claim you as mine?

Such selfish thoughts...they would not be happy. They value community, everyone a part of the family - how rude of me to ask anything else of them.

Apparently I didn't learn much.
Yet they also forgive, more graciously than most. So I ask, can you forgive me, my dear family? I'm sorry. I don't know how to be strong in this, how to let this happen, how to let you move on. But I will try, maybe pray if I can figure that out again. I just ask for mercy, for love - please can you keep loving me too? I know you will...how can I even ask? Know that you have my love and my heart forever. Nkwagala nyo.

The memories, the laughter, it all feels so real and so true...but so far away. So. Far. Away. So far gone, so far lost. But I know it is not gone, it is not lost. As evidenced by the tears streaming down my face, those people, their stories, and the memories remain very close to my heart - in my heart.

Hearing Dan Nelson talk about Rwanda in chapel last week was amazing. (Ask me if you want to hear his story) His connection with those Rwandese is beautiful. But talking about the genocide and seeing the pictures of the skulls lined up...my heart breaks once again. It's like my head, my brain shuts off and my heart takes over and just screams...It hurts! It hurts! It's so real. It's so real. It's so much more that just pictures, or just a story. It's mothers and fathers and sons and daughters, neighbors, and church members. It's Charles. (Please ask about his story as well, I would be honored to share it) The love and reconciliation is amazing and its so good and so necessary to remember and recognize. But the evil, the pain, the death, the betrayal is all still reality. It still happened.
And I don't want to hold on to that more than they do...but how? How do I recognize that and not make light of it...but live in the home and promise (?) of reconciliation that is going on there? How do I "live in" anything there while living here? How do I see that in chapel and then go work on a lab report? Really? Really.

One step at a time. That's the only way I can do anything right now. One little step at a time.

Back in the States...missing Uganda.

So I've tried multiple times to blog since being home...but now more than even it seems there aren't words to describe what I'm thinking/feeling. As I did many times while in Uganda I am just going to record some thoughts I've written in my journal in the past month or so since being home...

Day 5 back from Uganda. Loving that place more every second. It has been to good to talk to different people and share stories and pictures. I am so thankful for the questions people ask, and the genuine interest behind them. My cousin reminded me to not give myself too hard of a time if my outward way of life doesn't automatically look super different...I know inwardly I am forever changed - no doubt about that. And it's also good to remember that I did not have control over where I was born - so here I am in the US, and there they are in Uganda - for some unknown reason. But it's not my place to criticize and freak out about being here - I'm here for now. That needs to be enough.

Day 6. Amazing how distanced I already feel from suffering around the world. Just like Shane Claiborne talks about in Irresistible Revolution.. This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table in our huge beautiful mansion of a house sipping orange juice and enjoying a freshly made gluten free muffin with butter and jam on it after having worked out in a super nice gym facility, driven myself home in our car, taken a hot shower, and put on new clean clothes...reading the paper. I read an article about a soldier in Iraq who killed 5 other soldiers, apparently because of stress. Unfortunately, it is only too easy to read that, sigh, take another bite of my muffin, and go on with my day. But what am I supposed to do? ...Don't know yet...

Day 7. Flight back to San Diego - sat next to a friendly woman who ended up asking me what I like about Ugandan culture...I said I like the slow pace of life, the simplicity of life, the focus people have on relationships rather than tasks, and the deep deep sense of community they live by. As for their traditional religions, I appreciate the way their religion is integrated into every part of their life. Unlike the US, with separation of church and state, and so many "Sunday Christians" it was refreshing to meet people whose faith is their life and their life is their faith.

She asked what I didn't like about their traditional beliefs and I mentioned traditional healers - simply because God should be enough to meet all of my needs (easier said than done, eh?), but especially when they are advocating child sacrifice, I simply do not know how to be okay with that.

Day 8. Was I seriously in Africa 8 days ago? Wow. Seems like an eternity. Feels like a totally different life.

Day 14. Walking around Westmont's campus seeing the devastation from the fires and remembering what I saw/experienced in Rwanda (more on that later) inspired this...

Burnt and Broken.

Ripping through the air they destroy everything in their path
No concern for how ancient nor how beautiful is this place I call home
Tree after tree and plant after plant - I cannot do the math
The flowers fall and the life they brought vanishes
Like dust in the wind - so quickly all is lost.

The destruction they leave behind tears at my soul
Reminding me of my broken condition.

I see death so near to life and I am chilled
I feel the skulls next to my face and the bones lined up
How can this be?
Such tragedy. Such darkness.

Much like the burnt trees surrounding me
I doubt if I will ever be the same.
Can such beautiful flowers ever bloom again?

But as I question I am slow to remember
My God is greater than all of this.
He makes the sun shine down on this broken world
My dad will triumph once again
He will transform the broken to the beautiful
My Healer will restore my aching heart.

Praise be to my King, for He will lift me high.
He will bring life, where fires have sown death.

And later that day down by the beach:

Walking. Thinking. Feeling.
Breathing. Hearing. Seeing.
Seeing what's hidden out there - all the little things we usually miss as we cruise past in our cars.
Seeing the courtyard with a fountain hand crafted in love -
Reading the stories, the words of so many languages - speaking so deeply to my heart.
Words from faraway places,
Stand together here - as one.
Will I ever feel that whole again?

Seeing groundhogs - so innocent and small - yet still so loved in my Father's eyes.
I cannot forget my place in His heart.

Seeing the water surrounded by trees and tall grass threatening to overtake it.
Seeing the white flowers poke their heads above the ice plant.
Seeing the birds flitting freely through the air.
Seeing the sun, feelings it's warmth on my skin.
Seeing the open sky, the life it looks upon
Seeing the bench, FOR MIKE it reads.
Seeing the girl upon it, cradled in her Father's arms.
Seeing life anew...again.
So slow. So full.

How could I drive by and miss this?

Such glory. Such beauty.

That's gonna be all for now...just me - still lost and confused, asking way more questions than I thought a person could have. But so thankful to be clueless and questioning, much like the disciples were, rather than thinking I have it all figured out - like the Pharisees. Depending on God's grace now more than ever.

Peace and love.

Last days in Africa...

So today is my last day in Mukono...tears...tomorrow morning (I never thought it would be soo soon!) we leave for Rwanda at 5 am. After a full 13 hours of traveling by bus we will spend 10 days there learning about the genocide and the work the church has done/is doing to rebuild from that. It should be interesting...but also challenging and hard stuff to learn about just cause of the topic. IMME students are separated from USE, which is a bummer, but it will hopefully be a good last two weeks with everyone I have gotten so close to. Right now, since I'm in the process of saying goodbye to everyone here, I would rather just come home. That seems to be the consensus - if we have to leave our families, just let us go home! But alas, we must go to Rwanda. I'm sure it will be a good time once we get there - this is just the hard part. Anyways, prayers would be greatly appreciated...

I am so thankful to be so sad to leave. As backwards as that sounds...I have had such a great time, and have come to love and care for these people so much! Saying goodbye to my brothers this morning was tearful to say the least...what a blessing they have been in my life this semester. They have loved us and showed us so much grace in our time with them. I could take about them for days. Oh that the Lord would continue to bless and care for them.

And if you could be praying specifically for my mother and brother Elisha - they both have malaria right now. They are on the road to recovery, but just that God would give them strength to do all they need to everyday. Especially Elisha, since he is taking exams at school right now. But it is beautiful - he still wakes up just singing songs and praising the Lord as always. What amazing grace the Lord gives us.

I miss you all very much and am truly looking forward to seeing you when I get back!

A song we sang at the Easter sevice at the Cathedral:

"Because he lives, I can face tomorrow. Because he lives, all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future and life is worth the living just because He lives."

Sorry this isn't longer...let's chat when I get back. :)

Baptism, Worship, and Questions

So I started typing out the details of the story but decided I would really rather tell you all in person. So suffice it so say, I was baptized in Lake Victoria on Saturday - with my close friend Kaia and another friend Aaron through a Calvary Chapel church we have been going to in Kampala...it was amazing. It definitely felt really real - not just something where I was going through the motions. God was definitely there and working and changing mine and other people's lives. Glory to Him on high! I am so thankful to be His beloved child and to be able to live my life for Him only.

Something else that was really cool recently - yesterday USP led community worship (the rough equivalent of chapel - we have it twice a week). Our group (the Americans) lead a service every semester - and we were free to come up with whatever we wanted. We started with worship songs - with all 38 of us up on stage singing/playing guitar, bass, drums, and piano. Then Kristen and I led the congregation in intercessory prayers after which we performed a skit/drama. It was to the Linkin Park song, "In the End". It was really intense. With no speaking, just acting, it showed two people struggling with their sins, trying to pull away from them to God. (They were held back by ropes held by "demons") They were pulling and trashing but could not reach Jesus until they let go of the ropes (sin) and went to Christ. It was really powerful - and everyone clapped and cheered when Geoff finally let go of his sin and fell into Jesus' arms...but the other girl Lillie, couldn't let go and fell back into sin's grasp. It was really powerful. They we had a short message - more about how as Christians we are called to let go of our sin, give it up to God, and hold onto the hope of Christ. Eph 3:15-21. After that we did what is called cardboard testimonies. Those of us who were willing has written a sin, or something we stuggle(d) with on a piece of posterboard, and on the back written how God redeemed or restored us. We walked up on stage one at a time and held up the sin side. Then we flipped it and walked on. It was amazing. It was cool to see so many of us willing to be vulnerable and honest before the whole school community - and even more amazing to hear everyone applaud as we revealed how God had restored us. The focus was very much on the freedom received in Christ and God's redemption. Some people make some pretty intense confessions, and it was really moving. Then to close we sang Amazing Grace...which just summed it all up. Truly how great that grace does appear, the hour we first believe. What a blessing to witness that first-hand. God is so great. It was also incredible to talk to UCU students afterwards and hear them be honest with us about things they struggle with, and tell us we were not alone in our stuggles, and just hear how touched they were by it all. God's grace truly covers all. His love his amazing, steady, and unchanging. Even in Africa. God be praised.

Sorry for the preachy feel to this...but God has just been really good. I am so thankful. I was gonna write out some questions I've been having through class discussions and stuff but I am so overwhelmed by it sometimes I don't even know where to start. Basically, I would love to chat upon my return. And I am grateful that God is the same God yesterday, today and forever. In the US, Africa, and the world. What more can I depend on but that.

I would really appreciate prayers as we finish up school here with finals in a week and a half. Just on how to best spend the rest of my time here, and to deal with the craziness of having to say goodbye to such close friends possibly forever. I am so thankful to have formed these relationships that I will be sad to leave...but still sad to do it. Anyways, God is good. And I am just going to keep following his lead step by step. Striving to follow Joshua 1:8...

Lastly how about a little poem about my little 2 1/2 year old brother, Anooke:

Big eyes and a loving face
Calling my name over and over
Each time he speaks with grace
Full of joy he shares with us

His eyes tell of his innocent love
His prayers betray his kind heart
His small hand smooth as a dove
His hug sweeter than any other

Such a blessing to have as a brother
We learn from him and he from us
I only wish I could explain to his mother
What a beautiful treasure she bore

Hope you are doing well, and enjoying the joy of God's goodness and love.

Love and peace to you all.

Adventures both internal and external

Let's start with external...

This weekend a group of the USP students (26 of us) went to Jinja and went white-water rafting and bungee jumping on the Nile! We stayed at a hostel that was SOOOO chill. The staff was awesome - full of guys with dreads and fros and great senses of humor. The white water rafting was on up to class 5 rapids which was more than absolutely epic! Our guide's name was Nathan and he was HILARIOUS! The boat I was on was a blast, we joked around the whole time, but also got serious for the insane rapids we had to tackle. A few funny stories...one time when our raft flipped my friend Charles and I who were in the front got tangled up as we launched into the water...once we figured out where the surface was he goes "Oh no, Nicole, we're going the wrong way!!" He was so disoriented he thought we were being pushed upstream...how that would even work I have no idea. But it was super funny especially because then I was confused for a minute, too. Anyways...we did make it safely back into the raft. On another rapid, called Silverback (like the guerillas) I literally could not breathe. We got rocked down the falls and seeing as Charles and I were in the front got the brunt of the waves to the face. The only thought in my head was "Can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe, ahhhhhh, need to breathe, I see air, must breathe....ahhhh!! Gasp!"It was crazy. And awesome. Bungee jumping the next day was also completely epic and such an insane rush of adrenaline I don't even know how to describe it. I highly recommend the process to anyone considering it. Oh and after diving off the platform at the bottom I was dunked into the Nile waist-deep. Definitely went through the whole "Can't breathe!...water...can't breathe... so muchwater!..." thought process again. It was such a blast hanging out with USE people that I don't usually get to spend alot of time with. Ahhhh, I'm just so thankful to be here!!!

Ok so to more internal adventures...a little list of the plethora of things I have learned/am learning...

-The water bottles full of awkward yellow colored liquid substances on the sinks are SOAP! Yes...I JUST figured this out...and only because someone told me. :)
-How to stave off a cow when walking by a stray one...pick up a stick and wave it in its face
-Being okay with Ugandans not answering questions when you ask them...whether by way of just laughing it off or simply not answering. (Just not required here...)
-Consequently...how to avoid answering questions or requests if you so desire...just laugh :)
-When passing through narrow pathways or doorways if there are Ugandans in the way they will move out of the way, but that means leaving a good inch for you to push through...don't feel bad though, just go.
-Crossing the street involves insane amounts of trust and boldness...but you better just get up and go or you will stand there forreeeevvveeerrrr!
-Rejecting offers from Boda Boda men (motorcyclists who are EVERYWHERE to give cheap rides to people...the source of most of the proposals I have received)...just say "Kula" (grow up) and your problems will be solved!
-Stopping, catching, riding, and stopping a matatu (taxi vans)
-Appreciating the night bucket in my room (for short calls)
-How to quickly drink SUUUUPer hot tea (trick from dad...ask him if you could also benefit from this :))
-Walking to school without being run over by bodas or cars who are trying to avoid the crazy ruts in the road...they will drive literally inches next to you
-How to make a huge group of school kids laugh...just say "Hi!"
-Cutting pinneapples
-Making juice the REAL way
-The beauty of febreeze and fabric release spray
-"Fake" bathing when you are in a rush and don't feel like tackling the basin...just clean your legs and feet and they will think you are clean ;)
-How to truly appreciate even the smallest piece of chocolate...mmm...
-Appreciating my friends' parents and relatives for the packages they send and sweets I therefore get to partake in
-The widespread influence of Spanish soap operas
-What it means to offer my presence to others
-To appreciate/value other people for the presence (not necessarily deep conversation) they offer
-Seeing God's beauty and bounty and blessings in a WHOLE new way
-the joy of a simple life
-What all you really DON'T need to get by...everything from a big bedroom, to running water, to lots of clothes, to a huge variety of food, ...
-Africa is beautiful. The people. The food. The smells. The sounds. The geography. The trees. The birds. The cows. The insects. The faith. The love. The community.
-Oh so much more...but this list is getting long...so I will leave you with that for now. Can't wait to share more later!

A few other random things - sorry for not responding to e-mails in a long time, mine hasn't been working for a while now...its very temperamental. Also, I was just talking to one of the interns and he said that if people are going to send letters/packages they should probably do it in the next week or so or else they won't get here on time. We leave campus April 22nd - he said that they usually get alot of packages after everyone has gone and its very sad. Not to be rudely asking for things - but just a warning that if you were going to...the sooner the better or it may be best to just save the postage. Thanks. :)

Love you all. Be blessed.

Phil 2:3-4

a week in the village

So I just got back from a week in rural Uganda - specifically in Kaptchorwa (which means friend, btw). We stayed with families and just hung out with them living life in the village. It was nice to have a week off from school - but certainly nothing like your usual Spring Break vaca. It's so hard to try to describe what it was like so I will try to give you a brief idea, post some pics when the internet cooperates, and hope to talk to you more in person eventually.

First of all Kaptchorwa is BEAUTIFUL! It is in the mountains, with fields everywhere and hills and waterfalls and amazing hikes. Hikes were probably my favorite part of the week. We got there Friday night...Saturday my host father (a very kind primary school teacher, and translator at the church and for a radio station) took me on what he called a "short walk". This ended up including hiking a mountain...in a long skirt and sandals. Gotta love it. It was really nice though - we had a great view of town and home and on the way down greeted every family we passed (I had to learn to greet in the language quickly). The families were always friends and often relatives in some way. Sunday was church - about a 45 minute walk away. It was a typical Ugandan Anglican service...which are interesting and need a whole blog of their own... After church we were invited to lunch my a couple in the church. They hosted both my family and another family who was hosting a student (cooincidentally Megan - the girl I live with in Mukono - so it was really fun to see her and have lunch). Monday also included a hike with my cousin Cherub. It was incredible. We went up to the falls and frolicked through the tall trees - I seriously felt like Pochantas! It was nice to spend one-on-one time with her and talk while we hiked. She is 19 and SO nice - it was interesting to hear the questions her and my family had about the US...lots of stereotypes that aren't true AT ALL!

One frustrating thing through the week was my family not believing me about alot of things. Not a big deal really - but after a while it was a bit annoying. Things like the fact that it was colder at home than it was there (it was cool at night which was a welcome relief from Mukono but still barely sweatshirt worthy), the fact that we had mountains and that I wasn't afriad to climb them, and lots of polictics. It was fun to sit and chat with my dad about these things though, and just interesting the view they had of the US.

Tuesday and Wednesday were the hardest days for me. I literally did not leave the compound of our house and just sat around with my sister, Charity (9). She is really nice, but couldn't move around much because she is in a full leg cast. It was fun to play games with her and talk about stuff, but after 14 hours a day I was a little stir crazy. It also didn't help that my mom and Cherub were working around the compound all day...but refused my help anytime I offered it. I thought about home WAY more than I have being in Uganda...and then was frustrated with myself in that. But God totally worked through it and proved ways He was faithful in that. For example Tuesday night my parents both mentioned something about how grateful they were that I could be there with Cherub since she had just gotten out of the hospital a week ago (after 3 months) and had been pretty depressed till this week. Just little ways God showed His continued goodness.

Thursday was really fun. I fetched water from the river with Cherub and carried it back up the hill on my head! She's much better than I am...and was somehow able to balance the huge jerry can without her hands!!! Oh man. Hardcore for sure. Then I had the pleasure of watching my mom slaughter the beautiful rooster that had been chillin at the house all week...then helped her pluck the feathers off and begin to prepare it for cooking. We then ate it a few hours later. So sad. For lunch my dad came home and brought a visitor who was very eager to interact with a Muzungu. (Typical) He was very nice, with lots of questions, and it was refreshing to be eating lunch with people rather than by myself. After lunch my dad took me on an EPIC hike up to the highest point of Kaptchorwa. This (again in an ankle-length skirt) involved legit rock climbing up the side of the mountain. Even more hardcore were the people climbing with huge bags of flour or cabbage or milk on their heads! Woah man. Beautiful view again, and after we got to visit Megan at her house and take some tea. Then we went to the Bishops house for dinner - who is my dad's brother. Took tea again, and had more lively discussions involving many questions about the US.

Friday I was reluctant to leave, but also ready to be back with white people.

We spent the weekend at Sipi Falls - reunited with both the IMME and USE group - as well as some Ugandan Honors College students from UCU. SO FUN! It was so nice to swap stories and relax and laugh and make jokes people could understand, and just be at ease with friends. We also went on some intense and sweet hike up to waterfalls - and even got to jump in and swim for a bit! We even played a game of rocks (spoons the card game but African style) which was crazy funny. The weekend was seriously such a blessing - and made me even more grateful for the friends I have made here - and am continuing to make.

Oh and let's not forget the bed bugs I brought with me from Kaptchorwa! Too funny. I have a ridiculous number of bites...but think I have successfully rid myself of them - Praise the Lord.

And this is random but nonetheless important - I had the immense pleasure of helping my neighbour/brother (back in Mukono) Samuel with his chemistry homework two nights ago! What a treasure. I've been thinking about just what it is I want to do with my life and this was a strange affirmation of my passion for chemistry and possibly for teaching. Just another cool God thing.

I have been so encouraged by the ways God has been working in this group. Thanks so much for all of your prayers! I love and miss you all!! Take care. Be blessed.