Back in the States...missing Uganda.

So I've tried multiple times to blog since being home...but now more than even it seems there aren't words to describe what I'm thinking/feeling. As I did many times while in Uganda I am just going to record some thoughts I've written in my journal in the past month or so since being home...

Day 5 back from Uganda. Loving that place more every second. It has been to good to talk to different people and share stories and pictures. I am so thankful for the questions people ask, and the genuine interest behind them. My cousin reminded me to not give myself too hard of a time if my outward way of life doesn't automatically look super different...I know inwardly I am forever changed - no doubt about that. And it's also good to remember that I did not have control over where I was born - so here I am in the US, and there they are in Uganda - for some unknown reason. But it's not my place to criticize and freak out about being here - I'm here for now. That needs to be enough.

Day 6. Amazing how distanced I already feel from suffering around the world. Just like Shane Claiborne talks about in Irresistible Revolution.. This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table in our huge beautiful mansion of a house sipping orange juice and enjoying a freshly made gluten free muffin with butter and jam on it after having worked out in a super nice gym facility, driven myself home in our car, taken a hot shower, and put on new clean clothes...reading the paper. I read an article about a soldier in Iraq who killed 5 other soldiers, apparently because of stress. Unfortunately, it is only too easy to read that, sigh, take another bite of my muffin, and go on with my day. But what am I supposed to do? ...Don't know yet...

Day 7. Flight back to San Diego - sat next to a friendly woman who ended up asking me what I like about Ugandan culture...I said I like the slow pace of life, the simplicity of life, the focus people have on relationships rather than tasks, and the deep deep sense of community they live by. As for their traditional religions, I appreciate the way their religion is integrated into every part of their life. Unlike the US, with separation of church and state, and so many "Sunday Christians" it was refreshing to meet people whose faith is their life and their life is their faith.

She asked what I didn't like about their traditional beliefs and I mentioned traditional healers - simply because God should be enough to meet all of my needs (easier said than done, eh?), but especially when they are advocating child sacrifice, I simply do not know how to be okay with that.

Day 8. Was I seriously in Africa 8 days ago? Wow. Seems like an eternity. Feels like a totally different life.

Day 14. Walking around Westmont's campus seeing the devastation from the fires and remembering what I saw/experienced in Rwanda (more on that later) inspired this...

Burnt and Broken.

Ripping through the air they destroy everything in their path
No concern for how ancient nor how beautiful is this place I call home
Tree after tree and plant after plant - I cannot do the math
The flowers fall and the life they brought vanishes
Like dust in the wind - so quickly all is lost.

The destruction they leave behind tears at my soul
Reminding me of my broken condition.

I see death so near to life and I am chilled
I feel the skulls next to my face and the bones lined up
How can this be?
Such tragedy. Such darkness.

Much like the burnt trees surrounding me
I doubt if I will ever be the same.
Can such beautiful flowers ever bloom again?

But as I question I am slow to remember
My God is greater than all of this.
He makes the sun shine down on this broken world
My dad will triumph once again
He will transform the broken to the beautiful
My Healer will restore my aching heart.

Praise be to my King, for He will lift me high.
He will bring life, where fires have sown death.

And later that day down by the beach:

Walking. Thinking. Feeling.
Breathing. Hearing. Seeing.
Seeing what's hidden out there - all the little things we usually miss as we cruise past in our cars.
Seeing the courtyard with a fountain hand crafted in love -
Reading the stories, the words of so many languages - speaking so deeply to my heart.
Words from faraway places,
Stand together here - as one.
Will I ever feel that whole again?

Seeing groundhogs - so innocent and small - yet still so loved in my Father's eyes.
I cannot forget my place in His heart.

Seeing the water surrounded by trees and tall grass threatening to overtake it.
Seeing the white flowers poke their heads above the ice plant.
Seeing the birds flitting freely through the air.
Seeing the sun, feelings it's warmth on my skin.
Seeing the open sky, the life it looks upon
Seeing the bench, FOR MIKE it reads.
Seeing the girl upon it, cradled in her Father's arms.
Seeing life anew...again.
So slow. So full.

How could I drive by and miss this?

Such glory. Such beauty.

That's gonna be all for now...just me - still lost and confused, asking way more questions than I thought a person could have. But so thankful to be clueless and questioning, much like the disciples were, rather than thinking I have it all figured out - like the Pharisees. Depending on God's grace now more than ever.

Peace and love.