Hiding in Bed

Tucked safely under the weight of my covers
Warm beneath the chilling ocean breeze
That blows through the room
I hear the waves crashing
I feel their mist on my face.
Snuggled up in my pillows -
There is comfort here,
There is assurance.

This is a time when I escape
I leave the worries of the world
And sleep washes over me.
Never long enough -
But refreshing and true.

I am hidden from the stones
As they fall around me
One after the other.
Nothing can touch me here
No new worry
No heart-wrenching news.

But my memories are here
They stay with me.
They welcome me into themselves
To lay, to sleep, to remember.
To cry, to mourn, to yearn
For a place so far away,
People I hold so dear.

They are safe here with me
Tucked in bed, hiding
From a world so big and scary
So evil, so broken.

I cannot get myself up,
Can't bear to leave this -
My little sanctuary.

Because out there its different
I must be OK and happy,
Pretend like all is well.

I cannot mourn as I wish,
I cannot be in Uganda -
For it is here that I live.

Here in this place
So fast, so rich, so arrogant.
I fight bitterness
As it rages inside.

How can we think this is best?
How can we live without rest?

Where is the love, the community, the selflessness?

I feel lost here.
Out of place -
But not wanting to fit in.

Tension, tension, tension.

What am I supposed to do with it?
How do I respond?
Its scary to ask -
But even as I do
And I come up with answers,
They are never enough.

Not enough to get me up from bed -
Not enough to make everything all right –

Not enough to put out this fire –

Not enough…yet…it has to be enough.

It has to be enough to keep on pushing,

Enough to see hope of change,

Enough to persevere when others give up.

Lying here in bed,

Overwhelmed by this state I find myself in.

I know I have hope, dreams, wishes, passions,

That get buried beneath the pain

And I just have to let them be enough.